Sometime later between January 2021 and August 2022
Not much has changed. And yet…somehow, haha it has, how very vague and irrelevant. I’ve been vaping all times outside work, friday I was really late-almost an hour, because I vaped to get back to sleep. It’s been a while, so, we brought a cat home, I chased her down a few times trying to bring her to come. There’s not much I wanna share. I’m not really enjoying existing, haven’t for a while, I haven’t really tried to help myself either. Not sure what I’m supposed to do when I feel absolutely nothing, I can’t move. I waste away. I wanna feel her. I wanna be her. The person I’m supposed to be. It’s been easier pretending than actually being. Thinking about how I got to this point, just doesn’t seem likely, destined, forethought, no it’s years of denying me love, trust, and peace, there’s only what I’ve been trained to do.
Separate entry unknown date:
It’s funny, we’ll watch a movie or show with an abuser-victim dynamic theme going on and I feel the victim, I’m ready to to cry as it hits home- the likeness of our feelings and experiences and then there’s Andrew- the abuser – just enjoying the entertainment, and one may be like “did you bring it up to him?” no because the years I had the honest answer will come out unexpectedly and painfully, so we skip that, now. Why I am like am is what I want to know, basically. Duh.
