Sept. 17, 2024 8:21am
I really think this is it, the breakup that’s going to be for good, no more wanting what could be if our lives had been great, if only he didn’t lie, if only he wasn’t that way, how could he hurt me again and again and again after seeing what it has done to me? I bared my pain out to him, how could he just so easily repeat the same “mistakes” knowing what it costs me? How could he do it? And then get angry w/me for being hurt about all of it, the pain that’s been going on for years after year w/no change just better lies. I know none of this should have ever even happened, I tried leaving, he pulled me in, I believed him over ME. I thought he wouldn’t try to hurt me, I thought he could be trusted, I thought he was my guy, I thought if someone loves you and you love them there’s no room for doubt or others, I thought we could try to be great together but he’s always looking for someone else, what is the point of it all? Why would he do this for so long if I was never what he wanted? Why go through all the trouble to make me love him and hurt me and lie to me and treat me like nothing over and again and again? Why can’t he be honest? Instead of apologizing he said he wants me to gain weight, instead of being an asshole he should’ve just been honest and fucking said that I am not what he wants and move on. Not me be upset from all of that because it’s too much to deal with, I just need to get out and away from it all, it’s no good, the constant fucking abuse of shoving it down my throat that I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HIM, he doesn’t fucking care, how could I feel so goddamn alone and in so much torment ALL the fucking TIME if he cared? If he really cared? How could he live w/himself after doing this to me? I stayed, I tried to believe him, I broke down countless times and I’m the idiot because he has shown me over and over and over and over and over and over who he is. He doesn’t care, not about me. So what was the point of all this? All these years I could’ve been happy, not crying, not screaming, not wanting to fucking die. I can’t take it. I can’t. I need help. God. Someone fucking save me. I can’t do it. Just fucking kill me, please.
