Fri Dec. 5 2025 9:26A
The night I first found out Kai passed I had a dream of him, I got a text from him asking if I missed him, then videos of him with other women, i don’t know. Today I had one where he came back, only it was from the past Kai not he actually came back because when I asked him if he was afraid or if it hurt he couldn’t say he wasn’t the one that died but I hugged him and said I’m so happy and then he started crying and I said I love you so much because he was back in any way shape or form, I was happy he was there anyway. It took me 9 days to have a good meal and not just a few bites of food. I have been forced to continue living, a big part of me died too, our future, my self, my love, his love, the world I was belonging to with Kai, all of it will never be again. He was what I needed. He was it. I wonder if he felt what I felt, I think so because when we kissed it was the most perfect feeling. I had asked him once in the midst of our passionate throes “what are you doing to me” because it was so hypnotic and surreal that I was feeling absolute bliss from kissing him. One day he would say the same thing to me “what are you doing to me” while we lie in bed kissing. I could’ve kissed him forever. Our first kiss was on our 2nd meet up, I think, after we rode to Sequoia National Park with Ty and Jovanny and after we hiked Topokah falls and after we ate & had some drinks and we were on Rocky hill, late like midnight, I lost my phone when I went pee on the hill and left Kai to look for it then I went back and Kai was talking to some other people that were there and one guy asked our ages and then said “kiss her” and then we looked at each other and he reached out and we kissed, then we kept kissing, more and still kissing we moved to our bikes and then did more than kissing, that dent I have in my exhaust on my bike is because of it falling over when he was thrusting into me, I didn’t even know I wanted to do that, have sex on my bike but I knew it was a check off my wishlist. He entered me and said “that’s perfect,” we ended up dropping my bike like 3 times and my phone shattered, he would text me later making sure I got home. I would then go to see him in Sacramento while he was there for work about a week later, we had sex for hours, on the sink, in the shower, on the bed, I would wonder how he can go for so long when giving me oral, it just went on and on and I would almost get impatient I would want him inside me. The way he moved his tongue in my mouth felt like a spell, it would make me moan. He would tell me he missed me even though we had seen each other just a couple days prior. After Sac his girlfriend found out and blocked me and then I didn’t hear from him for a long time, maybe a couple of months until I get text from his work phone and I had him prove it was him and not his girlfriend so he told me I drained his balls and left nothing for his girlfriend after Sac, but I was still suspicious it was her but then we talked on the phone and basically said we don’t care if you already have a girlfriend/boyfriend I want to see you, so that was our agreement-us. I went to see him that night, the night he held me so close and I breathed him in and I remember thinking like this is not real, it can’t be, the feelings, I was having the moments that were passing, it was everything for me, it was exactly what I craved, needed, wanted, love. We kissed that night and each other’s necks and he would stop to say “you’re mine now” and had written my number down and had just found it and that night I showed up and he said “you’re here” like it was unbelievable I would want to go see him on short notice. Or like we didn’t know if we’d see each other again and then being together again was a relief. I would constantly replay our memories while I was with Andrew, it would carry me, it would light the way for me to start thinking there’s more, I could have it, the life I’ve been hoping for, the feelings I thought I’d never feel Kai made me feel, the feelings I wanted, the passion it was all Kai.
