February 9th 2023
I’m angry, I’m on my period, but this time it brought up a lot of anger, I’m on edge, constantly pissed. I cried as I inhaled the scent of samadhi, it brought back memories, it’s strange, memories, it’s like I can go back and say I’ve done those things, had this happen, went through this and that yet the memories feel so far away, like they are somebody else’s, like I’m not the same person anymore, for all my memories, 15 years ago 7, yesterday, I don’t ever feel like the same person but I can clearly remember the presence of the “spirit” – for lack of better word – always there , but I can’t say that’s who I am. That’s not me, it can’t be because “its” so constant yet fleeting , it’s so secure yet there’s no ground. This experience of mine, my life, is so bizarre, so inane, so fallible, so contradictory, so soft and cold and hard and burning, yearning for life- for experiences, joy, love and also for the end constantly. Being torn in two, wanting less and more. I love Andrew. But I FUCKING HATE HIM more, and now I have to get ready for work.
