April 19th 2024 21:18
I keep thinking to myself, “I should write it out” all the everything that bubbles up and occupies my brain. I think, “I could write books” I wouldn’t have enough time to write my life – and all the thoughts in it. Honestly the last 40 hours, not trying to be specific it just hasn’t been very long- I have moments of clarity- moments I’m not tormented by thoughts and memories of Andrew and us – where everything is okay, I can breathe calmly, there’s no negativity. There’s no acknowledgement to the fact, the reality of Andrew not caring, not loving me. Why should I care? He’s just one guy. And then all my feelings for him and the things only he could’ve done come up and then he’s not just one guy. He’s it. He’s my life. He’s my person. I can’t imagine living life with someone else- but he doesn’t even care about me- and it’s not like I’m deadset on being with him, but c’mon I fucking am otherwise I wouldn’t beg him to show me he cares or to prove he loves me (I always get shown the door, booted out, and kicked after being pushed down the stairs by him) everytime I need/want assurance I get the opposite I get shown that I’m less than nothing, my words/actions/existence doesn’t matter and somehow it’s my fault, and I believe him and then he comes back saying the exact opposite of his actions and I believe him and then I can’t function because along with all of that I know it’s not me, I’m not why he is the way he is, so it’s nothing I could do better or less of or more of it just doesn’t matter if I’m there at all but I think maybe if I just…maybe there’s something I can do to make him how I wish he treated me, just kindly and with love, really that’s it, is that really too much to ask for? To not need to cry about how neglected I am, like I know I wouldn’t be like this if he actually apologized & was truly sorry & truly regretted what he’s done that’s betrayed and hurt me, if he gotten better, if he treated me better to make up for it, if he became the change he said he did, if he acted out the love he said he has for me, if only he didn’t repeat the betrayal and lies and even more hurt, if only he was honest. He’s such a bad guy in my eyes, he’s done & said so much that’s hurt me beyond anything anyone else (besides in abusive narcissistic cheating relationship) but wtf do I do without him he’s not a bad guy he’s just done incredibly bad things to me but it just feels like he hates me and he’s intentionally doing everything he has to show me how much he hates me and how much I deserve it, for not being the person he wants to be with. I feel like we both feel that we shouldn’t be together, I feel upset thinking that Andrew thinks that, the patterns the actions the cycles the bad in our relationship is really bad yet the good is freaking great and there’s the line we reside on, we love our presence together, there’s something so easy or natural about it, on the other side it’s our life waiting, like I feel like we are going against nature but somehow with God? or maybe we’re going against God and following our nature? Honestly it’s just fucked up, what kind of personal growth or spiritual growth is this trying to pass as? It’s not. There’s no evolution only regression to nothing. I don’t want to be with me either.
