January 10th 2021 9pm
Fuck, I am incompetent to do anything! I can’t remember, I can’t forget, I can’t do what it takes to be. What am I so afraid of? Myself? There is no limit. Beautiful, glorious, encouraging, loving, caring, is what there is beneath this hard flaming surface, after wanting to be alone I have no reason to still have these torments that afflict me, I am self torturous, refusing a helping hand, anything trying to help, I see it as a way to try to trick me to giving in, remember who I was? This being that exuberating a sun warmth and feelings of ecstasy, my true being, seems so gone, I have grown bitter with longings of what was, but there is no going back, no warm hugs, no tingling fingers, no heart drops, everything is quilted into a bland perspective, nothing new, always mundane, always expecting more and nothing at the same time, thinking it will get better, when? Some times. Never when I need it to, sorry that’s a lie, forgive me, there is always so much, I only reject it. I refuse it all in cowardice I am unworthy. Then why did I have to lose myself completely? Why did I love so much that there would be nothing left of me? Why did I believe him? Why didn’t I trust myself? Why didn’t I listen? Why ~And because of why, why did no one consider to help me, surely I showed signs and what not, no one asked, no one said anything, I was by myself, one by one they slowly left my life. And that’s okay. But if I had known, completely- (I did) I would have loved him anyway because that’s what you’re supposed to do, LOVE! ! ! ! All else is but a trifle of pain compared to the immensity of All there is.
