Friday July 10th 2020 2:05am
Yesterday I thought to myself I should write again, more, for me, it’s releasing and I get to look back. Compared to 2 years ago, it’s the polar opposite, how life has changed, how I could never let go of suffering, yet felt the beauty in the “it will be” always pushing me on, to be here, now. I was lost and heartbroken in the beginning, then I was free and me and loving the experiences of everything, now I’m a little bitter, because of work, it takes up so much time, yet with the time I’m not working I hardly do anything for myself, I’m on my phone a lot, I’m not reading, playing violin, learning anything, so it’s easy to give just my body away to all these men, as if I’ve nothing else to offer them, I do not have skills, no brain power, no creativity, again with the downward spiral of self doubt. But I feel like it still has a good side, I’m more reliable on others, not so “I’ve only got myself” no, there’s people that care, that would help, I’m not alone, so-. About an hour ago I went outside my cabin, 23, to use the bathroom and I didn’t notice the bear in the path until it backed up to avoid me, I startled it. 2nd bear, full size, I’ve seen these past few days. Daniel, oh Daniel, came to visit me here, 3 nights, 2 days. I first felt that I felt something with him the last time I went to see him in Long Beach, I had just woken up and it hit me, the calm feeling of bliss and the thought of the first taste of love in a while, he told me he felt it too, saying he’s “in like” with me, even asking if I’ll marry him one day, to which I said I don’t believe in marriage, though I would believe in love, duh. All I have to do is ask and I shall receive. Thank you. I am so grateful, beyond gratitude, it makes me cry, knowing “it” cares, “it” loves me unconditionally.
